Satire Notice:
Raunds Totally Inaccurate News publishes fictional satire set in the entirely imaginary town of Raunds. Any resemblance to real events, people or dogs is purely coincidental
The Raunds Totally Inaccurate News newsroom was thrown into chaos this weekend after reports emerged that a dog had temporarily misplaced itself somewhere in the general vicinity of Raunds.
The dog, known to investigators only as “Biscuit”, reportedly vanished on Friday evening at approximately 8:34pm.
Within minutes the incident triggered what experts now describe as a full-scale Raunds Facebook Investigation.
Sources inside the newsroom confirmed that Barry had already opened what he described as a “serious investigation board”, despite Susan reminding him that he had only brought six arrows and a questionable amount of red string.
Sightings Begin Almost Immediately
Reports began appearing across local Facebook groups almost instantly.
Witnesses reported sightings from multiple streets, at least one park, and what one resident described as:
“Somewhere near Stanwick Road… but I was driving so I’m not entirely sure.”
As the investigation gathered pace, residents began analysing key details connected to the case.
These included:
- coat descriptions
- walking routes
- biscuit-related motivations
- and one person believed to have “a distinctive skipping style when walking.”
Investigators described this as “an extremely important development.”
Community Intelligence Expands
As the weekend progressed, Raunds residents began contributing increasingly detailed intelligence.
Reports included:
- sightings of a dog wearing a suspiciously small jacket
- debates about microchip procedures
- discussions about veterinary protocol
- at least one suggestion involving a grooming appointment.
Several residents confirmed they were now “keeping an eye out.”
Others admitted they were simply refreshing Facebook every few seconds waiting for updates.
Authorities also confirmed the dog had last been seen negotiating with three pigeons near the high street, although the pigeons declined to comment.
Newsroom Investigation Begins
Inside the Totally Inaccurate News newsroom, puppet presenters Barry Patch and Susan Stitch struggled to keep up with the rapidly evolving situation.
At one point Barry attempted to draw a detailed map of Raunds showing the suspected movements of the dog.
The effort quickly escalated into a full investigation board involving arrows, circles and what appeared to be several digestive biscuits.
Unfortunately the map had to be abandoned after Barry ran out of arrows, exactly as Susan had predicted.
“Every time we think we understand what’s happening, another sighting appears,” said Susan.
“At this point the dog may have travelled half the town.”
The Investigation Spreads
By Monday morning the situation had expanded to include reports involving vets, groomers and possibly even the dog warden.
Residents across Raunds spent much of the day refreshing Facebook groups and analysing new developments.
Some investigators began constructing their own working theories.
One resident was seen drawing lines between sightings on a printed Google map.
Another confirmed they had “a strong feeling the dog knows exactly what it’s doing.”
Breakthrough Update
Late in the evening, however, the situation took a dramatic turn.
In an update shared by the dog’s owner, it was confirmed that Biscuit had been safely returned home following what was described as:
“Huge efforts from so many people and organisations.”
According to the update, council dog wardens, local vets, witnesses and members of the Raunds community all played a role in bringing the situation to a conclusion.
Within minutes the news spread rapidly across the town.
Relief quickly appeared across multiple comment sections.
Residents responded with messages such as:
“Omg!! So happy for you. Wonderful news.”
“So pleased she is home safe and sound.”
“I’ve not stopped thinking about her all day.”
One commenter also requested that a local hair stylist recreate “beach curls like Biscuit’s for us all,” in what analysts say may be the first time a missing dog investigation has resulted in a hairstyle trend.
Newsroom Stands Down
While authorities are reportedly continuing to look into the circumstances surrounding the incident, the immediate outcome is much simpler.
Biscuit is home.
And somewhere inside the Raunds Totally Inaccurate News newsroom, several journalists are quietly dismantling their investigation board.
The red string is being removed.
The arrows are being counted.
And Barry has confirmed that next time he will start with at least twice as many arrows.
Disclaimer
This story is published by Raunds Totally Inaccurate News and should not be considered reliable journalism.
Any resemblance to real dogs, Facebook investigations, suspiciously small jackets or pigeons involved in negotiations is entirely coincidental.
